I had lunch with my boyfriend today. I haven’t seen him for a while, last time we saw each other, things weren’t great between us. I was struggling with a bought of depression and he was struggling with housing issues. We’ve always got on like a house on fire since the moment we met. We have exactly the same sense of humour and philosophy in life. Neither of us have the greatest history with our love lives. So we are somewhat kindred spirits.
We talked about the last few months and how we’d missed each other.
He had a part own house lined up, everything set, ready to go. Then just as he was moving out of his old flat, the builders put his moving date back 2 weeks, then another month, then 6 weeks. He’s walked around the house, it’s completely finished, but they won’t let him move in. I’d read about this a while ago, where families in London had part ownership homes arranged and then the builders delayed the completion past the 13 week deadline, so they could revalue the property and ask for an extra £20k. It would appear he’s caught in a similar situation.
I felt awful that I was not there for him, he was hurt that I didn’t seem interested, that I didn’t show support as I had done every other time. He didn’t know I was struggling to keep my own head above the water. But then how would he? We were both so busy drowning in our own problems that we couldn’t reach out for the other.
Do you have a friend who’s a single mum? Do you think she’s amazing how she keeps all those balls up in the air at once? Is she a bit of a Superwomen? She’s not really, she might give that impression to the outside world, but that’s not what’s going on inside. Inside she’s so utterly heart wrenchingly lonely, some days she’s so lonely she feels hollow and the only thing that is making her get out of bed in the morning are those kids.
He sat pale faced as I told him everything I’d been through since my operation, tears welling in my eyes. He had no idea, he thought I was dealing with it all fine, he didn’t pick up the slightest crack in my armour, before it all tumbled down around me and he was mortified. He’d seen me as this strong independent person who wasn’t phased by anything life threw at me and thought I’d brushed off the cancer like everything else.
His exact words were ” I can’t believe I had my head that far up my own arse to see what was happening”. I didn’t help, by not letting my mask slip for him. If I’d opened up for him I would have given him the chance to support me in the way I needed, we could of supported each other.
We agreed today, I was allowed to give him a quick kick up the arse if his head was up it and I’d not try and be Wonder Women for him.
Now there’s a mental image!
So today was a bit painful, but ultimately a big tick off my happiness check list. I have my partner in crime back, but even better I now have someone to help me polish my armour.