So, I’ve set myself the task of making myself happier. Like any great adventure I need a plan. I need to work out my strategy to accomplish my desired results. First I need to work out what I want and why…
To be happy – Ok, don’t we all want that? Well yes, but why do I feel unhappy now? My nickname in my 20’s was Bubbles. I was like a big kid, fun and bouncy and bubbly, always full of energy, always enthusiastic. Where did that girl go? Life happens and people disappoint you, life wears you down. I guess you can’t find yourself 4 months pregnant when your boyfriend takes off and not have that effect you. I can’t say I battled on, being pregnant was a joy, as was/is motherhood. My daughter is amazing, an absolute star. ( But I would say that, terrible twos are a long distant memory and we haven’t hit teens yet) She’s polite, friendly, hardworking and unbelievably stoic, but most of all she’s a happy kid… Just how I used to be.
To be braver – I’ve lost my nerve, I don’t deny it. The day I moved to Germany, I sat in a cab going to the airport. The taxi driver asked me “where I was off to?” “Düsseldorf” I replied. “On holiday?” I answered that “I was moving there to work”
“Have you been there before?”
“Do you speak the language ?”
“nope, not a word”
“Do you know anyone there?”
“not really no”
“Do you know where you’re going?”
I triumphantly pulled a scrap of paper from my pocket, with the address scribbled on “Ahh yes that I do”
“Wow, you’re brave”
I didn’t think I was. It was an adventure, if it didn’t work out it didn’t matter. Honestly, it not working out never even crossed my mind.
IT NOT WORKING OUT NEVER EVEN CROSSED MY MIND.
Hhhmmmmm there is the key, I didn’t lay in bed until 3am worrying that things weren’t going to go to plan. There was no plan, life swept me along and I was happy to ride the current.
This is going to be the tough one, how can I get back to the girl who didn’t worry about the bad things that MIGHT happen in the future? That I really don’t know. I think I’ll start with something that I use in moments of doubt and see if I can expand on it later. I have a friend called Adam, Adam is a life and business coach. In moments where I stress or doubt my abilities, I ask myself “What would Adam tell me to do?” Well, Adam is a very eloquent guy, in a moment like that, he would look me in the eye and with a big smile on his face, tell me to “Just fucking do it”
To be thankful – Despite all the crap that has happened this year, I still have a huge amount to be truly thankful for. For this part I guess I need to start living more in the now, appreciating the great things around me. As I write this, I’m gazing wistfully at the cherry tree in my garden (Probably on a par with Brian Cox gazing wistfully at some stars) It is truly lovely. I’ve always wanted a cherry tree in my garden and now I have one. The beautiful blossoms will be gone soon and other new flowers will start to bloom in my garden. I need to learn to enjoy the blossom before the wind takes it from the tree.
Where to start with all this? Like Gretchen Rubin in her year long “Happiness Project” the first thing I need to tackle is vitality. I need more energy before I start on everything else. I’m now 12 weeks post op and can embark on some exercise. I really will be starting from scratch. I haven’t been out for a run since August last year, when the abdominal pains started, I haven’t been horse riding since July. Six of the past 12 weeks I was pretty much house bound, I wasn’t even allowed to do housework. For some of that I wasn’t meant to lift a kettle.
When I ran before I used a couch to 5k run app on my phone. I’ll be honest I skipped the first few weeks, as at that point I already got other exercise and thought it would be too easy. This time I’m going to start from the very beginning. Once I’ve got my fitness up to a good enough level, Monday nights I’ll join the circuits class in the village hall. If that goes well, then there’s boot camp on a Sunday morning. Here, I’m breaking a bit of a golden rule. Stop talking about it and get on with it. (just fucking do it) Aaahhhh, I’m planning out loud!
This is all well and good, but I need to back it up with more sleep and better eating. I’d slipped into bad habits over the last few years, too many late night, ready meals and take aways. In hind site, I was in a vicious circle, constantly exhausted from the cancer, not eating well and sleeping badly. Now I’ve started eating healthier and getting more sleep. I’m already feeling so much better.
My life is starting to change and change is a good thing!